“If you listen to what the other person is saying, you’re more likely to address the right issues and the conversation always ends up being better,” he says. Slowing your cadence and pausing before responding to the other person “gives you a chance to find the right words” and tends to “defuse negative emotion” from your counterpart, he says. To keep tensions from blazing, Manzoni recommends trying to “slow the pace” of the conversation. Don’t say things like, ‘I feel so bad about saying this,’ or ‘This is really hard for me to do,’” she says. The worst thing you can do “is to ask your counterpart to have sympathy for you,” she says. “It might not necessarily be pleasant, but you can manage to deliver difficult news in a courageous, honest, fair way.” At the same time, “do not emote,” says Weeks. It’s wise, therefore, to come at sensitive topics from a place of empathy. “Experience tells us that these kinds of conversations often lead to working relationships, which can be painful,” says Manzoni. Once you hear it, look for overlap between your point of view and your counterpart’s. “Express your interest in understanding how the other person feels,” and “take time to process the other person’s words and tone,” he adds. Show your counterpart “that you care,” says Manzoni. Before you broach the topic, Weeks recommends asking yourself two questions: “What is the problem? And, what does the other person think is the problem?” If you aren’t sure of the other person’s viewpoint, “acknowledge that you don’t know and ask,” she says. Further ReadingĪcknowledge your counterpart’s perspectiveĭon’t go into a difficult conversation with a my-way-or-the-highway attitude. Your language should be “simple, clear, direct, and neutral,” she adds. Your counterpart doesn’t know “his lines,” so when he “goes off script, you have no forward motion” and the exchange “becomes weirdly artificial.” Your strategy for the conversation should be “flexible” and contain “a repertoire of possible responses,” says Weeks. “It’s very unlikely that it will go according to your plan,” says Weeks. Drafting a script, however, is a waste of time. It can help to plan what you want to say by jotting down notes and key points before your conversation. If, for example, a colleague comes to you with an issue that might lead to a hard conversation, excuse yourself -get a cup of coffee or take a brief stroll around the office - and collect your thoughts. This technique also works well in the moment. He recommends: “taking regular breaks” throughout the day to practice “ mindful breathing.” This helps you “refocus” and “gives you capacity to absorb any blows” that come your way. “The more calm and centered you are, the better you are at handling difficult conversations,” says Manzoni. “A difficult conversation tends to go best when you think about it as a just a normal conversation,” says Weeks. You’re not telling your boss: no you’re offering up an alternate solution. For instance, you’re not giving negative performance feedback you’re having a constructive conversation about development. Instead, try “framing it in a positive, less binary” way, suggests Manzoni. If you’re gearing up for a conversation you’ve labeled “difficult,” you’re more likely to feel nervous and upset about it beforehand. Here’s how to get what you need from these hard conversations - while also keeping your relationships intact. The key is to learn how to handle them in a way that produces “a better outcome: less pain for you, and less pain for the person you’re talking to,” he says. After all, tough conversations “are not black swans,” says Jean-Francois Manzoni, professor of human resources and organizational development at INSEAD. Perhaps your boss lashed out at you during a heated discussion or your direct report started to cry during a performance review maybe your client hung up the phone on you. “We’ve all had bad experiences with these kind of conversations in the past,” says Holly Weeks, the author of Failure to Communicate. How should you prepare for this kind of discussion? How do you find the right words in the moment? And, how can you manage the exchange so that it goes as smoothly as possible? Difficult conversations - whether you’re telling a client the project is delayed or presiding over an unenthusiastic performance review - are an inevitable part of management.
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